There is a definite theme emerging from the wonderful women I meet at my women’s boxercise, personal training and Blast sessions in Totnes. I doubt that it is unique to these women as it is in the air around us all. December burnout and overwhelm. The weather has changed, the days are shorter, the news coming from Gaza is heartbreaking, the plight of our climate is beyond ignorable and to cap it all off the C word is just around the corner. The tendency to want to hide away, put on Pjs and slip into a little bit of hibernating can be very tempting- and why not? Maybe that is what we need…. or is it?
As someone who can end up running on a heady mix of anxiety, guilt, panic and imposter syndrome and who is also menopausal, I am with you! Writing this blog has taken me some time as I wanted to make it REAL and not another trite “self care is important” blog.It is all very well to know what you need to do but and entirely different thing to actually DO IT.
So I scoured the internet, looking for some “bon mots”, all the while ignoring the pains in my stomach that I have had for the past week, along with the foggy head, tiredness and itchy skin which is my body’s shouting way of telling me that I am NOT engaging in self kindness in any way. These are symptoms I have had so many times in my life, coupled with irritability, forgetfulness and insomnia. Surely there would be a cure or quick fix I could attach myself to out in cyberspace?
I went down the Google rabbit hole and came back out feeling even worse. I had spent what little time I had chasing ideas, writing notes, going off track and getting other ideas about what I SHOULD and AUGHT to be doing and thinking. I could list 100s of useful tips ( get enough sleep, eat nutritious foods, have a warm bath) and recite many useful idioms ( you can’t pour from an empty vessel, just do one thing at a time) but in the heat of this overwhelm it is likely to induce tears, tantrums or a slap- trust me-I know!
So this is more of an observational blog from someone in the midst of an exploration, rather than one with snappy ideas- stop reading if you need a quick fix. I thought I’d share some of the moments, feelings and musings that I have over the past few weeks on this topic.
There are so many posts at the moment reminding you to look after yourself and give yurself time over the festive season. These tend to be coupled with pictures of smiling families, immaculate houses and sunny days. From conversations that I had last week, an immaculate house and a smile don’t appear to fit with the general mood. The amount of tasks needed to be completed after ” you time”- ie- the exercise class can be overwhelming. It often involves dragging yourself into the shops after you have found a parking place, and completing a shop for you and your elderly neighbours/ relatives before picking up children or grandchildren , making dinner and checking in on others. Squeezing a class in can sometimes be the first thing that is dropped. You may think that the idea of dropping a class will give you a well earned rest in a busy day and indeed it will. However, I also know that the hour that you spend in a class is an hour when you are not angsting about “what next”. The wonderful thing about exercise is that, if chosen well, it serves as a circuit break. I say “if chosen well” because a class where you are clock watching and quite frankly bored does the opposite!
Another great thing about a class where you feel a sense of belonging is that it serves as a dumping ground for negative emotions, for problems to be shared and as a sounding board for conundrums. With a class such as boxercise, there is the added bonus of it being a fabulous way to de-stress in a very physical way!I have found myself focusing on women only classes for this reason. Sometimes the ” sisterhood” is what you need.
But what happens when you are really running on empty? You are physically and emotionally exhausted. Is a frantic workout a great idea? I’d say no. However, being me, I have had to try this to realise it and have suffered the consequences of exercise burnout. The guilt of not exercising coupled with the self loathing that went with it was a wake up call, my relationship with exercise needed to change- it was controlling me in a very unhealthy way. If I had a friend who was training even when ill and injured, I would have told them to stop, why then couldn’t I see it in myself?
I want to be transparent and congruent with my clients- I am not perfect, far from it. I am in many ways a “ wounded healer My heart on my sleeve way of being can sometimes be my downfall/weakness but it is also my strength. I started this little blog off talking about the feelings of overwhelm and describing my own physical symptoms- currently making an unwelcome appearance. Now is the time more than ever to work out how to manage them. I have my dream job, I truly believe in what I do and I am proud of what I am creating but it can come at a rice. No “off switch”- constantly thinking, writing, dreaming, practicing, training and LEARNING. In the past 3 months I have had to learn so much about a whole new world. Being my own boss; the marketing team, the CEO, office worker, gym buddy, coffee maker and PA is a very different life to that of the SEN teacher in a large company. That sits alongside being an emotional menopausal woman with fluctuating self esteem, an introvert ( yes- I really am!)and all the craziness that life has thrown at me in the past 20 months. Would I give it all up? NO! Would I like a break right now? YES! Can I have a break? NOT REALLY!
But stop- Im my own boss right? What is stopping me? other than the fact that Better Together with Becca is so very new? I am coming to see that my need to keep going, to do it right and do it right NOW may not be terribly helpful and that a little mind- body communication and nurture is needed. A read recently that there is increased acknowledgment that the stomach is the second brain. If this is the case, I wonder what this second brain is trying to tell me?
I decided to make a mental note of changes in those pains in my stomach I get when I am overwhelmed to see if I could start to engage in intrabody communication. It was fascinating and has given me what I think may be some key areas for self development. None of the areas are news to me but the fact that I now have the physical, emotional and cognitive join up makes it feel more tangible. So…. are you ready for the revelations?????Here goes!!!!
- Fixating on someone else’s behaviour/ situation when they are genuinely ok with the way it is for them is a waste of time. YOU CANNOT LIVE THEIR LIFE!
- Continuing to insist on doing something/ not doing it to “help” them change will make YOU miserable.
- Expecting other people to say thank you or put in the effort that you do into something that YOU think is important IS A WASTE OF ENERGY and will make you miserable at best, feeling hard done by at worst.
- Despite what you may think, people have their own things going on which may well influence their emotions/ behaviours. YOU CANNOT FIX THAT and IT IS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING THAT YOU HAVE DONE- you are really not that omnipotent!
Earth shattering heh… I did say that it was nothing new but I also said that I would not be writing pithy idioms. In conclusion, maybe we aught to be looking at being kinder to ourselves and that way the energy will keep us going, the breaks will be self allowed, the world will keep turning despite us, we will still be loved, we will perhaps have less of those awful feelings of burnout. We will have picked up the chatty memos from our stomach before they become angry post written in capital letters. This weekend I walked in the winter sun, spent time with my daughter without trying to change her, I didn’t say sorry for no apparent reason ( well- I only did it once…) and I managed a trip to Ikea without arguing and sulking. I’m still tired but a lot less anxious. maybe it is the start of the new me? probably not!
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